This is a place where issues that just us Duke girls constantly face can be put out in the open and responded to with advice and support. This will be an anonymous collection of women’s questions, opinions, advice and stories from our peers and alumni to serve as guidance and inspiration for those of us who just need a helping hand or someone to turn to without being judged.
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5 comments:
I found myself in this same type of situation when I was a freshman. Not to tell you what to do exactly or anything but we decided to break up and in retrospect I think that was the best decision. I think having a boyfriend too soon freshmen year holds you back from meeting new people and figuring out what you want to do at your time in college. I'm not saying don't keep in touch. Four years later me and my ex are still friends (although there were definitely some rough times). But you're going to meet tons of new people and you shouldn't stop yourself because you're sitting in your room talking to your boyfriend all night or trying to convince him not to be jealous of a new guy friend or pictures that you posted on facebook. Who knows, if it's really meant to be maybe the two of you will get back together long distance in a year or two.
Good luck!
-Duke '08
Yea I'd agree. I have had several friends who stayed with their boyfriends from high school and every other weekend they'd travel to their boyfriend's schools just to visit them. In the end they missed out on meeting people, going to social events, etc. They ended up breaking up and she had to start from scratch meeting people half way through her sophomore year.
It may also depend on distance. I have another friend who's boyfriend went to a school nearby and now they're engaged and have been together since high school. Every case is different. Go with your gut feeling.
I know your situation. A year ago I was in the same place. I came freshman year dating my highschool boyfriend of two years. He goes to a college near by so it is really easy to visit with him when we wanted. The important thing to remember is to compromise. Don't assume that because he's near by you have to spend every weekend or free day with him. Spend some time without him and get to know people at your school first. You can maybe agree no visits in the first month since that time frame is when you meet a lot of people. Then after you each have your own group you can take turns hanging out with eachother's group. Just make sure you don't make your whole college experience about him. My boyfriend and I tried this and we are still together and felt comfortable about it. You may not get as much time together as you wish during the school year but you will still have breaks back home to see eachother. So if you have a strong relationship I'm sure you will be just fine, just don't forget to make time for yourself. Enjoy freshman year and live it to it's fullest.
Good luck!
Duke '11
The previous comment alluded to this, but I guess I just want to reiterate, if you stay with your bf be very careful not to let him be your life. My roommate freshmen year had a boyfriend at NC state. She was a naturally shy person, so she tried to meet new people and make friends at Duke, but it was challenging for her. Long story short, she spent time with her bf rather then making new friends and then because she had spent so much time with her boyfriend, she didn't have her own friends. Because she didn't have friends, she spent more time with him. It was like a negative cycle so that by the end of my freshmen year she was leaving Wednesday night to hang with him and would reappear Monday morning.
So if you're going to stay together, good for you, but make sure you break out of your comfort zone and develop your own group of friends. And keep the phone convos to a minimum, otherwise your roommates will want to throttle you!
I stayed with my boyfriend from the summer for first semester on and off--at first we tried having an "open relationship" which just caused so much jealousy and didn't work out at all. We ended up breaking up over winter break, but I think giving it a try was the right decision. If I'd never tried, I would always have wondered what could have been. Now I know that it wouldn't have worked. I think that if you two are really in love, it would be stupid to break up just because you'll be apart. But you need to keep an open mind--if it's not working out for one of you, it needs to end.
I also agree with other posts--put making new friends and getting adjusted to college over talking to or visiting your boyfriend. Talking to your boyfriend about this in advance will probably make it a lot easier.
I have to say, though, one of the hardest things for me was when I was breaking up with my boyfriend or fighting with him I didn't have the support system of friends yet to help me through it, especially because some of my best friends at college were guys, and just don't really get it as much. Friends from home helped a little, but it was hard. I wish that I had opened up more, and I think that most girls would be more than willing to listen and bond over ice cream, as my girl friends did when I finally sought help--so don't be afraid to reach out to someone, it will help.
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